Letting Go of the Wheel
by unleashmysoul
Summary: One persons last thoughts before ending their life


Emma was sitting on her bed staring blankly out the window trying to pretend that there was more to see then just a piece of metal. She knows that if she wants to see a real sun set all she has to do is climb out of her window and there it will be waiting.

Instead she sighs and picks up the drinking glass next to her, the contents cloudy and bitter. She picks up the spoon off her night stand and stirs the concoction, noting that it is not ready yet as there as still pieces of white waiting to be dissolved.

She sets the glass back down and opens the drawer in the night stand. She finds her journal and picks up a pen as well.

She thumbs through the pages noticing how many she has filled over the years. In the beginning, there was an entry every day, but they slowly began to space out over time. She noticed the last entry was dated March 22nd 2005, almost five months ago.

She flipped to a new page and wrote the date on the top.

* * *

08-12-05

I have always felt like my life was a never-ending road trip, where I'm stuck driving a car across highway after highway.

But I loved that feeling, that **_I_** was behind the wheel on my road trip that was my life. _**I** _was the driver. **_I_** was in control.

My entire life I was always in control. Most of the time I would love to be the one driving. Being able to slow down and take in the sights or just flooring it, pushing the car to redline. Taking whatever exits and turns that I felt like. Going wherever my heart desired. I had a map that I made and I knew my destination. I was always in control with my life and I was taking life to where I wanted, instead of just seeing where the road takes me.

Then one day, an unexpected road block showed up with no way around it.

The man I had just begun to care for like a father found out he had cancer. I couldn't deal with this.

I had to pull over and find a real map as mine was rendered useless. As I searched for another route, the only possible road to put me back on track, closed as well.

My only logical exit decided that he didn't want to be a part of my journey any more and threw up a Road Closed sign.

At that point I was lost and knew the control I had valued was gone.

So I did the only thing I could do, I got back on the road and just drove the other way.

I figured eventually, I would find my way back.

And until I found an interesting stop, I could just set the car on cruise control and just hold the wheel straight.

But every once in while I would doze off or look out the window just a little bit longer than I should and suddenly the car was veering and I'd end up in a ditch, with a flat tire. Scary yes, but still, I had managed to keep my self from crossing over into oncoming traffic, and obliterating my car completely. Even luckier that I hadn't busted through the guard rail and nose dived it to a canyon with my car bursting into flames upon impact.

That's when I would flip off the cruise control and take control of my life again trying to way back to my destination.

But it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to find a new route to get back on track, I just couldn't find one. I would pull over and look at the map, turning it every which way trying to figure out where I was and how to get back.

As time went on, I got more and more lost, traveling farther away from my original destination. I stopped taking off the cruise control and stopped looking for an exit. The map was thrown out the window.

It got worse when I started struggling just to keep my hands on the wheel at all. I was just so tired of driving.

I guess today was the day I realized that I was more broken then I ever thought possible.

I had gone to Degrassi with my Dad to help him set up for the new term. I had gotten bored and walked around lost in my thoughts when I finally noticed my surroundings, it was too late to avoid. I was walking through the empty halls of school, down the same hallway I almost died in. I had a flashback of that moment and all I could think of when it was over is that I wished Sean hadn't been there.

I never have considered my self weak until this very moment. As this thought passed through my brain, I realized I had been stuck going through every day with my controls set on auto pilot.

Doing as little as possible to keep from too many questions being asked. Like I said before I just drove, no stops no passengers.

Just me on a desolate highway with no end in site, passing every exit. Living without living.

It was today I saw that I had made several wrong turns and I'm never going to find my way back.

It was as if I had been just leaning back in the driver's seat lost in the blurred images racing by.

I couldn't tell you much of what happened during the last part of the school year, because that's all it was blurred images.

I didn't care. I don't care.

My road trip is over. I am abandoning it. I'm tired of being lost. I'm tired of driving.

* * *

She closes the book and puts it on the night stand. She feels like she should be crying, but she's not. She is finally free.

She picks up the glass again, this time there is nothing solid left. She reaches for a bottle of pills and puts the contents in her mouth. Taking a drink of the narcotic laced water, she swallows them down.

She reaches for another bottle and repeats this.

After she has five empty bottles and an empty glass, she picks up her journal again. She feels light headed and her mind pictures her last thoughts.

* * *

_She is driving a blue corvette, top down on a desert road. The wind is blowing through her long blonde tresses. She is smiling a real smile, the first in a long time. She grips the wheel tightly as she pushes her right foot down hard. The car lunges forward, the speedometer jumps numbers quickly. She stares at the plastic arrow rising, she keeps accelerating until the arrow won't rise anymore. She squeals in delight with the rush of adrenalin. She closes her eyes and opens her hands.

* * *

_

Emma reaches for her journal again and writes on last line. Her eyelids become heavy and her breaths becomes shallow as her body is coursing with pain. She reads the last line as she takes her last breath.

* * *

I, Emma Nelson, have decided to let go of the steering wheel.

* * *

**Author's Note: Look for the multi chapter follow-up "Hidden Behind her Broken Smile"**


End file.
